If you would have the power to go back in time and check how I was doing one year ago, you would find a hurt girl, crawling out of her bed every day with heaviness in her shoulders, a crying heart and a lost soul, who didn’t want to live and didn’t want to keep going with all the pain she was feeling and dealing with.
I wanted to quit, I wanted to go to sleep and not waking up the next morning. I felt so defeated by life, so abandoned by everybody, such a failure in all my choices. I had lost hope.
But that girl is no longer here, and the only thing that took her out of that space, that cage of terror she was in, it was the realization that she was the one hurting her feelings.
YOU ARE THE ONE HURTING YOUR FEELINGS!
Nobody has the power to make you feel any feeling, to make you feel happy or miserable, you are the one holding that power, carrying around the key of your cage, without even understanding what is happening.
The idea that nobody can make you feel anything and that you are creating your own feelings is so powerful and liberatory at the same time.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FEELINGS!
What are you making it mean?
This is a powerful question that the Life Coach Brooke Castillo refers to a ton of times during her podcast and it is the key that you are holding so dear, the secret that you carry around and would make your life become a different life without it changing a bit.
Your suffering doesn’t depend on what someone said or did, but on what you are making it mean.
For years I believed what my partners told me, that I was sick, that I was broken, that I was lost. For years I found explanations for their behaviours and I made them mean that I was not worthy of love, that no matter how much effort I would put and how many sacrifices I would make I was always going to be let down by those I gave so much to.
That killed my spirit.
But I was the one holding the killing weapon.
Has anything changed?
No. I still had those partners, I still have the same memories, I am still a single mother of a beautiful daughter.
But What am I making it mean this time?
My new story is that I have never been broken, I just didn’t have any awareness of myself and I didn’t know ME, so I believed the stories others told me.
I am making it mean that I am a good person who happens to have picked the wrong type of partner for herself way too many times for her liking and that I am so willing to give that I forget to set boundaries. That I am a girl of high values and I still didn’t manage to meet someone who shares them with me.
I wasn’t lost.
I was making the right choices with the information available to me back then. Would I make them again? No, but it is thanks to them that I am who I am now.
Is it still difficult? You bet, being a single mom is never easy, and when you are alone in a foreign country even less.
The main difference is that I am not hurting my feelings anymore. I am worthy of love. I am not broken. Sometimes I think I have been stupid and too romantic and naive, but I am working on removing this kind of thinking as well since it can send me to ruminating mode very fast.
We give our own interpretation of other’s people actions and words, we build imaginary castles around them and we trap our minds in there. Let it go. Don’t make it mean anything about you. And you will find freedom and peace.