My story of eating disorders

Since this blog is not going to be mainly a foodblog, but more a lifestyle, what’s going on in my head and life kind of blog, I will have a section for my thoughts and possible interviews and podcasts on subjects dear to my heart, which are mainly related to food disorders, nutrition, body image and fitness.

I am by no means an expert in those topics, any of them, and I will not be producing any guide or ebook about how to overcome your fears and your issues about food or body image or any of the subjects mentioned above.
I am planning to go back to university and study nutrition and psychology, but it will probably not happen very soon, so in the meantime I just would like to put out there my thoughts to start a conversation, nothing more nothing less.

starteddoingThe obvious reason why I am interested in those topics is that I had my fair share of eating disorders when I was a teenager.
It all started dieting and counting calories. I counted calories for so many years that I still remember the numbers after more than 10 years of no dieting at all, but just plain happy intuitive eating.

I was never an overweight girl, but that was not the problem, as most of you out there know eating disorders and dieting and bad body image have most of the time nothing to do with how actually our body looks like, but they have a lot to do with controlling our emotions or just pure controlling over the only thing we have 100% power on, what we eat.

So few things were going on in my life that made me choose the path of control and working out and dieting sounded like a good way to solve the problem. It started with the simple thought of loosing few kilos, that moved on to “lets start the fruit diet”, “lets move to the zone diet”, to finally end up with the thought of “let’s try to cut to 300 calories a day to loose those stubborn few kilos and reach my goal of weighting 35 kg total”.
35 kilos, that was my final goal.

And all this was happening while I was working out, running few hours a day, going three hours a day to the gym, cycling other few hours a day and so on.
The result was that most of the time I couldn’t stand without almost fainting, my blood pressure went from normal levels to very very low all the time (still now it it very low most of the time and my heart is not the strongest organ ever) and I was very miserable.
Plus my life didn’t improve at all in any other aspects and as a teenager I had my parents checking on me all the time and getting stressed and frustrated which didn’t improve the overall family situation that triggered my behavior in the first place.

One day everything changed and it happened on a Sunday during lunch time, when I started crying over roasted chicken and potatoes. I wanted to eat them and I didn’t want to eat them. I had my salad and weird healthy food ready and the entire family was going to enjoy the lunch except me.
My father gave me “permission” to eat the food that they were sharing telling me it was not going to hurt me a tiny bit and it was not poison. I ate the chicken and the potatoes and from that moment on I kept eating and throwing up the food in the bathroom, with guilty feelings all around me.

I didn’t seek for help, I didn’t talk to anybody about it.
Finished school I moved house and I started living with my boyfriend at the time and the experience was so awful and I felt so lonely and at such a low point in my life that I decided to react and not feel lonely anymore, to be my own safety and my own best friend.thereisnomagiccure
It may sound stupid and simplistic, but that is how I healed myself, making myself my best friend, stopping auto judging myself even before others, stopping listening to my mean girl (like Melissa Ambrosini would call her), stopping projecting my life frustration on the food I was eating and the way I was looking.

Long time has passed since that period of my life and I had lots of bad moments after that, lots of up and downs and some attempt of controlling my food choices again, but strong of that experience I have never treated myself that way again and I stuck to my intuitive eating method.

During the past ten years I gained a little bit of weight, I lost it, gained it again and more or less I fluctuated around the same weight. I have been more fit than I am now, I have been less fit.
Am I always happy with my body image? No, not at all. I had super low moments about that, due to criticisms I received that I didn’t enjoy, but I have never turned to food controlling to solve those issues.
Even when I plan to count calories again for fitness purposes I end up not doing it, so dangerous calorie counting is for a sensitive mind.

This is my story, written very quickly and without any intent of raise any kind of emotions, but just with the goal of explain why those topics are dear to my heart and you are going to read a lot about them here on my blog.